nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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