wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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