She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
