did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
