Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
