I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
