Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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