saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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