On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Watching her eat just hurts me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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