he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
