is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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