Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
