Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
