I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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