There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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