Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
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