I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You ate ashes out of my bong
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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