If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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