Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
