3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
