this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
