Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
