I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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