I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
