Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
