my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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