Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
