Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
