my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
