Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
