dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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