I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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