for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize