then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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