Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
