never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
