we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
