I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
