woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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