Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
