They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
