i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
