Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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