Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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