I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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