Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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