The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
