If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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