I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
