I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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