I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
