I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
