I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
