I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
