John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
