I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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