I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
