I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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